On Tuesdays Teacher Training morning we had an "interesting" exchange on parenthood which took place after discussions on "death and dying" - the topic for the day. The thought of leaving children and loved ones behind was a bit much for some, and caused distress. Loss, death, suffering - it's a reality. Even if our children joined us on the funeral pyre so to speak, there are no guarantees about the next step.
Of course it is absolutely incumbent upon us as parents to assure our children that they are safe, that we will care for them no matter what, and they will be okay. Sooner or later however, that promise of "okay" is untenable. The chant we make as Buddhists, (the Upajjhattana) "I am subject to aging, subject to death......" (and so are our children), is a reality check to the world which is occurring around us all. Children by their very nature disobey, expriment, rebel, use drugs, suffer from depression, commmit suicide and countless other things which are hard or even impossible to control or to fix. Like the subjects for contemplation, these things are not under our influence as a person or as a parent. We may live under the illusion that we can control and thereby protect our children - but eventually we will come to realise that no matter how vigilant, we cannot stand between our children and the world.
As a parent the realisation and the reality of everything NOT going to be okay hits hard. But this dismay (samvega) is what caused Prince Siddhartha to leave the comfort and wealth of the palace in a relentless search for the way out.
Most parents, most people have experienced both the harrowing, and motivating aspects of samvega. The death of a child or loved one, the realisation of the futility of a lousy relationship or the relentless boredom/dissatisfaction of a pointless job. Like other emotions, there are levels of these experiences, and like them, samvega can change over time, and as your practice matures.
Like you, I love my children and I hope that I have been a "good-enough mother". But there are no fairytale endings. As my own children have matured and grown, their lives have become enormously more complicated and independent of me, and the samvega I feel has changed over time and through many variations. It is my experience that having children is not inherently spiritual, or liberating although it does help you grow up rather quickly (or can). Although parenting can bring moments of unspeakable joy, I have found that it is a relationship that also creates suffering, attachment and obligations that are often at odds with one's life on the mat.
From a Buddhist point of view pinning your hopes for happiness on your children is not sensible and you will find yourself in an unwinnable position. One in which you will neither succeed for your child nor yourself.. It is a recipe for suffering without reprieve.
However, there is an antidote to samvega we call pasada. Pasada is recognising that by sticking to the noble eightfold path we can find a way out of suffering. When we filter our intentions through pasada we are able to view our children in line with fundamental Buddhist teachings - they are beings who suffer, whose sufferings we can't always relieve, but who by themselves have the capacity for waking up.
The Buddha showed us the way that leads beyond suffering. The best that we can do for our children is to follow that path, and hope they find it too.
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